WHY WOMEN STAY FRIENDS

why women stay friendsWomen are interesting human beings; they sometimes never know what they want and sometimes get confused over what they want. They are amazing characters that thrill the male specie and one which many men can’t seem to understand- wonder why men want to understand them anyway, women don’t understand women.

Women are women. That’s all you have to know; they are emotional, strong willed people who grow stronger when something goes wrong and get better when thing go right- they just never seem to give up and thanks to God, they are assigned on earth as helpers.

No doubt, the greatest gossiping specie remains a woman. She either gossips to you, about you or for you- she tells what she likes and what she dislikes. She also makes a good marketing specie who is seductive, outspoken and crazy in the weirdest ways possible. Of cos the men also have their symptoms but when one discusses the symptoms of being a woman, the characteristics are endless and though some people say a man can break and make you, a woman’s point of breaking you is one that brings few to recovery because believe it or not some women are scared of some women.

Many use the bible to speak of what a woman should be either as a wife, as a sister, a friend or just being a woman, however many women- Christian and non-Christian have binding ties that either keep them as friends or make them enemies even though they have always being friends for years.

We know men joke to the point of insulting each other’s parents or even one’s wife and like never before, we see them act like nothing hurtful was said or nothing ever even transpired between them but then in a woman’s case, even a man not showing her attention gets on her nerves- sorry to the men who do not know their offence and yet find their female counterparts angry at them.

Regardless of who you are to a woman- she wants to be appreciated. She wants compliments, from other female friends, she wants them from her partner and she wants them from her children and from strangers. Regardless of how she beautiful she is already, she does not want a day to go by where someone cannot tell her “you look lovely” and this is one of the major issue many women don’t stay friends as it may surprise you to know that women 80% of the time don’t just look good for the sake of men who would compliment them, but for the sake of other female counterparts who can say “What are you doing to look good”.

Many friends, don’t even focus on the “you look good” part, they  just prefer you speaking to them one way or another. They want you to look up to them – maybe its as a result of the motherly instinct in them but women like a part of you that depends on them. They like it when they have something you don’t have. Two ladies could have a discussion and one would say “I wish my hair was as long as yours”, and rather than the second lady replying with just a “thank you”, she would rather describe to you how she maintains- “my mum also has it” or “I make use of…”.

It’s just a woman’s nature; they roll with mums who have kids in their kid’s school, roll with friends who go shopping with them in the same store, fight with friends who think they do better than they are and disapprove of men who do not compliment them. “He doesn’t say he loves me anymore”, “Who does she think she is?”, “I knew her before but she is controlling”….the list is endless.

And sure, since they like to gossip, if you gossip to them, you make a good friend. You could either both gossip about someone or gossip about an attire or a shoe- whatever it is, there has to be something that connects you. They also want to talk about men together- tell them their man is bad and you are in for it. A man who gossips to his wife gets to have more fun as a result of things like this. They don’t necessarily seek to gossip about everyone, they just understand that speaking to one another either of a friend who just got married or someone who just moved into the neighbourhood is much better when there is nothing to talk or fight about.

Sure women make great companions but when you have nothing in common with them, they also have nothing in common with you. They may go to the same place you go and do the same things you do but if it’s not done together with them- you are not a friend to hang out with.

Having something in common- ambition, gossip issues, make up and shopping tasks keeps women together.

6 PLACES YOU WILL NOT FIND YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND OR WIFE

husband and wifeWhile browsing online, I landed on this blog post by my friend Quentin McCall. I immediately thought it would be a perfect piece for you, our readers to read. Enjoy.

Here are 6 places you will NOT find your future Husband or Wife:

1. In Your Dreams – There is nothing wrong with considering the type of man or woman you should marry. However, if you find yourself excessively daydreaming and fantasizing about a man or woman… you are creating a situation where you are not choosing to love, but instead dreaming of romance and superficial things. Instead, use this time to focus on you and become the type of person you desire to marry. Become the person you want to marry.

2. At a Gender-Bashing Session – Human nature makes it easier to identify and focus on the bad in people. However, if you desire to get married, you must learn to see the redeeming qualities of men and women;practice the principles of grace and forgiveness. Besides, what man would want to willingly open his heart and life to a woman he knows would so quickly see (and vigorously share) his faults?

3. In the Middle of Emotional Rage – As I’ve mentioned before, men desire a simple woman and women desire a man with vision. Part of this simplicity and vision is stability. It’s natural to get upset or disappointed from time to time, but if you are unable to communicate those senses in a mature way, it is unlikely they will be committing the rest of their life to you.

4. In a Moment of Desperation – Desperation is a purely emotional response. You can’t follow God’s will for your life and respond to this emotion at the same time. As my Pastor once told me years ago in Minister Training, “Wisdom says wait; emotions say hurry.” Another way to think about it is, “God gently leads you and satan drives you to emotion.”

5. At the End of Nagging – Proverbs 21:19 says it is “better to live in a dessert than with a quarrelsome and nagging woman.” Ladies, if you want to be a wife, learn to communicate your point in a loving and respectful way (regardless of the circumstance).

6. Wherever You are “Hunting” for Him – Proverbs 18:22 says, “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing…”. This does not mean women are to just sit around at home waiting for the doorbell to ring (See “Do You Hide Behind Faith to Avoid Having a Relationship?”). However, it does mean the man is to be the primary leader regarding the direction of the relationship, especially when you begin courting.

Closing thought:
If you want to be married, just know… it is more important for you to invest time into preparing yourself to be a wonderful wife and individual than it is for you to focus on getting to the alter or making someone your husband. Do your part to date responsibly, get to know people, and seek God’s guidance in moving forward with relationship decisions.

I need You to Survive

Originally posted on Stories without Border:

A famous song from our university campus fellowship comes to mind as I write on this topic.

…I pray for you, you pray for my

I love you, I need you to survive…

It talks about the importance of being there for each other, for better or worse, giving a listening ear to someone that wants to share their thoughts, lending a helping hand and proffering constructive advice.

photo credit: "PictureYouth" via photopin cc
photo credit: “PictureYouth” via photopin cc

Human beings right from birth crave for a relationship with others. It begins with new a born getting attached to the mother, she often searches her mother’s eyes while feeding to see if she cares beyond being the source of livelihood. She searches for love and affection from the facial expression hence lactating mothers are encouraged to wear a smiling face often or at least when they breastfeed.

The quest of forming a relationship continues…

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YOU’RE IN LUST AND NOT IN LOVE by AMANDA CHATEL

lust not loveI’m preparing to move to Paris for about a year or so. One of the major things this involves is getting rid of stuff that I should have tossed forever ago, but just haven’t yet. While tossing clothes and shoes is emotional enough in its own right, what’s really killing me the most is my “box of yesterday.”

True to its name, my “box of yesterday” is a nightmare collection of things from past relationships. I say nightmare, because who saves receipts from Brooklyn Bowl because it has an ex-boyfriend’s name on it? This gal. Who thinks it’s necessary to keep shreds of a ripped T-shirt from a wrestling match after too many martinis? Me, obviously.

The project of weeding through these things and deciding which is reasonable to keep and which solidifies me as a straight-up lunatic has forced me to face a fact: My last relationship, if we can even call it that, wasn’t love at all. Of course, at the time I was convinced it was love, as we all tend to think in similar situations, but in reality it was nothing but lust tangled up with infatuation, and because of it I was the most unstable, crazy, jealous, human being I’ve ever been. Looking back now, I blush at who I was, and that I was capable of such insanity because of a man.

With those days officially in my past and locked there safely so I can no longer touch them, I can see more clearly than ever what I was experiencing. I was not in love with a guy whom we’ll call “C,” but in lust.

Here’s what I learned from it all. If you recognize yourself in any of this, I suggest you run like hell. Now.

1. THERE’S MORE FIRE AND LESS STABILITY

Love, real love is about commitment and communication. These two important components lead to stability within a relationship. Of course, fire can be part of the equation, but when there’s lots of drama, chaos and more emotional gut blows than butterflies, you’re looking at a lustful situation.

2. YOU FOCUS MORE ON THE OUTSIDE THAN INSIDE

I could stare at C for hours. I was so enamored with his beauty. To me, he was gorgeous from head to toe without a single flaw to be found. I was obsessed with his beauty, and relished in the fact that I got to be seen in public with him and got to “tap that” at the end of the night.

3. YOU PREFER THE FANTASY

From the beginning, I knew C and I didn’t have a future. We were far too similar to have been able to conduct a grown-up relationship, and he was never going to want me the way I wanted him. With him, I acted younger than I was for far longer than I should have — the drinking, acting out, immaturity and irresponsibility were quadrupled when we were together. I didn’t want a “grown-up” life with him; I loved the days on end of debauchery that allowed me to escape from reality.

4. WHY AREN’T WE HAVING SEX RIGHT NOW?

Although I loved talking to C, because we did have so much in common, whenever we were together just hanging around or watching a movie, I’d always catch myself wondering, Why aren’t we having sex right now?  I’m serious. I couldn’t give a damn about the ending to whatever movie was on, if it meant we were having sex instead.

5. YOU’RE NOT FRIENDS

C and I were not friends. For a long time we called each other “best friend,” but the truth was I was in lust, and he was just waiting for something else, something, to use his words, better. Despite knowing that, the lust kept me coming back for more.

6. INTIMACY DOESN’T EXIST

Although cuddling can be really satisfying and comforting when you’re in love, when you’re in lust a body against you just feels like dead weight. You’re also likely to ask yourself again, “Why aren’t we having sex right now?”

7. YOU EXPERIENCE INTENSE NEEDINESS

If I didn’t get the attention I needed from C on a daily basis, I felt like my world was falling apart. Was he texting with someone else instead? Was he not home, as he said, but out with someone else? Having sex with someone else? Why isn’t he answering my calls? It was exhausting, to say the least.

8. THE FEELING IS CONDITIONAL

Anyone who’s been in love can attest to the fact that love is unconditional. Lust, however, is not. Lust is steeped in gratification without concern to anything else. I could easily sleep with someone other than C and not feel a twinge of regret, but if I were to do the same to the man I love, I’d never forgive myself. Lust has blurred boundaries as to what’s right; love kicks those blurred lines into place.

CHEMISTRY DOES NOT GUARANTEE COMPATIBILITY

Mixed race couple in coffee house with taking picture cell phoneHe is  hot, His jokes make you laugh and his boyish grin makes you melt. So you hook up. And so the casual, hangout-make out, fling begins.

But, while it starts  off fun, light and casual, soon you find yourself feeling anxious when he doesn’t respond to your texts right away. You try to play it cool when he has plans that don’t involve you and settle for him coming over at 3AM slightly inebriated (okay maybe a lot inebriated) for some good ol’ sloppy drunk sex. Surely he’s dating other people, but as long as you don’t ask, you won’t have to know.

So what if he’s still virtually gallivanting on multiple dating sites, and is nowhere near wanting a committed relationship? You’re an ambitious, independent woman who has needs and right now he’s meeting those needs! And even though your friends are not so silently judging and disapproving of your latest love interest, your heart just can’t help but keep whatever it is, going.

Whoa whoa whoa. Let’s stop right there. Newsflash – it’s not your heart talking to you. It’s your increased levels of oxytocin – that sneaky, feel-good, bonding hormone that is released when you have sex.  And the more you sleep with him, the more oxytocin is released, causing you to attach to him more, to the point where you are physically addicted to him. Men also secrete oxytocin during sex, however, the levels are not as high as women. Plus, the emotional bonding effects are more prevalent and potent in women than it is in masculine energy men.

Too often, people find themselves in situations where they are with the wrong fit, and even though they know the dynamic is unhealthy and they are not getting what they want and need, they just can’t seem to stop the attachment and addiction to the person. Unfortunately, once you become physically intimate, it becomes harder and harder to detach.

Lynn Toler, the judge on the series “Divorce Court”, shares that in her eight years of watching where couples fail, is that they do not understand the chemical reactions that occur that can trick you into thinking you’ve found “the one”. She advises, “You have to ride that out and really let it pass… I think women do this a lot: Well, he doesn’t want to have kids and he isn’t interested in the same things I am, but I am really in love. It will work out once we get married … and it doesn’t.”

If a committed relationship is what you want, I encourage you to access the compatibility of your next prospect before your chemicals take over your mind and body. Chemistry does not guarantee compatibility. Remember that chemistry/attraction is just one element of what makes the foundation of a healthy relationship that has long term potential. The other elements of compatibility which are equally (if not more important) are:  timing, shared values and a shared life vision. Here is an exercise that will help you evaluate your next love interest:

Create a list of key values

These are the values/attributes that are important for your next partner. These are needs, not just wants. For example, loyalty and honesty may be key values for you. If you know you want children, perhaps “openness to have a family” is one of the things you put on this list. Perhaps this is what the 4% of people who get married from meeting on values/interests-based matchmaking sites such aseHarmony know better than the rest: they look for an alignment of key values as a primary filter on selecting a mate.

Create a list of ‘bonuses’

This is a list of bonuses – but if your potential mate doesn’t have this, it’s not a deal breaker. These are wants, not needs. For example, physical attributes, loves yoga and romantic may be on this list – they are nice to have, but don’t make or break the right partner for you. Whatever your list is, it will be specific to you.

Identify your non-negotiables

These are the things that cross your personal boundaries. These are the deal breakers. For example, drug use may be on that list.

Note, this is not a list to be unrealistically picky. There’s a significant difference between being picky over superficial things versus having standards for yourself. This exercise will help you create clarity in what you need and want. The next time you meet someone who you’re romantically interested in, see how he/she measures up in regards to this list. If the person scores more points on the “non-negotiables” area than on the compatibility of key values, you may want to think twice before hooking up. Or else, before you know it, you’ll be overdosing on an oxytocin high. And, as I’m sure you’ve already experienced in your past, that chemistry-fuelled kryptonite is hard to kick.

In conclusion, compatibility, timing and similar values are important in a healthy relationship, chemistry is also a key factor. However, don’t be blind sighted and miss out on an opportunity with someone who could be a great potential fit because you didn’t feel earth shattering fireworks right from the beginning. It’s definitely possible for chemistry to grow in time, but this isn’t necessarily the case for compatibly.

Appreciate Yourself

Originally posted on Stories without Border:

Have you ever come to a point where no one seems to appreciate your sincere efforts or kind gestures such that you begin to doubt your self worth?

You are not alone.

In as much as you shouldn’t do things or offer help and expect peoples approval or appreciation in return, morales are boosted when you get ‘ a thank you’ from someone whom you have helped. It’s a lot of encouragement when you see that people take notice of what you have done for them, it inspires you to do more.

What should be your attitude when no one (especially those you care for)seems to notice your actions. Should you give up entirely or succumb to self doubt?

flowers

By no means!

As long as you put in your very best into something or someone, be assured that you have done no wrong; move on with your life and keep doing…

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